codependency, frustration, adoration

by shamanofsmile

I don’t want to add more pressure by being forward, I don’t want to make you feel rejected by holding back, I don’t want to make you feel cut-off from our kids, friends, and family by ‘managing’ them away from you, I don’t want to make you feel pressured and then snap at them because I let you deal with them but you didn’t want to, I don’t want to be too needy and dependent when you’re already feeling down, I don’t want to seem flippant and cold because I’m trying to leave you alone, I don’t want to make you feel controlled and dependent by doing you favors and offering you comfort and food, I don’t want to make you feel abandoned and on your own by avoiding doing the nice things I want to do for you, I don’t want you think I hold grudges and make you apologize, I don’t want you to think I’m a chump because I don’t need you to apologize, I don’t want you to think I’m oblivious to your and our problems because I am still happy despite them and sort of grateful for our trials, but I don’t want you to think I’m pretending to be positive to balance your negatives ‘cuz I’m not, I don’t want you to feel judged when I talk about things you don’t agree with, but I don’t want you to be surprised by my opinions and then feel left-out of my thought process, I don’t want you to feel like less of a man by bringing up your failures, but I don’t want you to think I’m stroking your ego and being patronizing by highlighting your strengths, I don’t want you to hate me. I just want you to love me. I don’t want to say or do anything ever that might make you doubt for one second that I love you, that might make me doubt for one second that I love you. I don’t want you to feel trapped by monogamy, but I don’t want you to feel like you aren’t important enough for me to be jealous over.  Every word I say, every gesture I make, I want it to make you feel better. I want to be magic. I want to have an unending supply of fucking rainbow-colored razors so that at night when you were sleeping, I could slice open your skull and coax out all of the scared, hiding, dark thoughts that are grasping desperately at the bright parts of you, with a ‘sh-sh-sh, it’s all gon’ be alright’ and as soon as they finally slink outta that beautiful head I want to STOMP them with big tough spiky boots so they never never come back because I’m so goddamn sick of seeing warriors acting like fools because they don’t fit, because they aren’t content just slinking into the shadows of this country, because they know somewhere inside of them that they were meant to be stronger than this, that their skills aren’t appreciated because being fiercely loyal-vigilant-protective-intuitive-determined-powerful doesn’t mean shit to the people who run this place if it doesn’t give you money or prestige, that some old fucking white protestant created the mold and they’ll NEVER fit into it, but giving up on the game is terrifying, knowing that opting out isn’t admitting defeat is all but beaten out of boys.  So you pick the wrong battles and put all of your energy into pushing pushing pushing because you were made to push your body all out, run fast and hard and keep going till you secured survival, create a giant fire for your woman to tend, give your boys the keys to succeeding in fulfilling their purpose in the family – but how do you teach them what you can’t see anymore?  Your role has blurry edges now, and you’re a lion taking orders from fieldmice, giving false compliments to vultures all day so you can bring home an unsatisfactory living. No wonder you start to hate the people who open your cage and let you out every once in a while, the people you bring your shitty empty crowfood to.  No wonder you don’t believe them when they tell  you they love you, because YOU know that what you do every day, and the fruits of it, are bullshit.  But nobody ever attacks the people who made the cage, just the other people that are in there with them.  The people who think you’re so rad that they just wanna be next to you, in the cage, and don’t even mind if you bitch and moan and fail, as long as you keep loving them.

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